time out

the holidays are ususally quiet, but it is especially so for the TFAAF blog as we are all off to pastures anew. so happy holidays to our faithful 3-5 readers. we'll be back in january for a triptastic new year. [cue jazz hands].

The boxes you don't tick

Van Ramblings and I made a TO DO list in preparation for leaving London - actually a TO DO schedule with time slots for each task. This included essential tasks like mail redirection, cut gas and energy bills, change address, buy, sell, and for me...herbal highs.

I bought these legal highs a few months ago. But could never find an accomplice (you know Ramblings is high off Fleetwood Mac). Last weekend's time slot came and went.

So when a Bizarro Gnome asked me what I regret not doing in London, it's these. And now I find out they're easier to get online than an Amazon book. So close, so far away. Oh well, at least life is still about to get all triptastic.

just plain coco loco

hi. it's december. it's called winter. today was 2C/35F degrees in london. why are you 8 nutters eating lunch outside on the sidewalk?! 

Touch Kiki

Always a blast. Kiki, horses, Kiki, horses....

admirable or coco loco? (holiday greetings edition)

the above (i assume holiday) card was left for my neighbor. it says patrick + girlfriend (sorry). 

hmmm...i don't know what to think about this one. i suppose it is admirable - the sender acknowledges patrick's significant other. but not so much that they remember her name. then there is the fact that the sender apologizes for this directly on the front of the envelope - that's a bit coco loco. 

i'm natalie imbruglia torn on this one, folks. 

self-important pizza

so, my pizza place has new boxes (pictured) which can now turn into a cardboard plate, on which you can eat your slice. on the box are printed things like: I am your ecologically friendly plate; Lift me off; Recycle me. but, my favorite one by far is this cracker: I am really neat. egotistical pizza. yum. 

ah, technology

two fish and a flame and a friend recently took a roadtrip. all across the motorway were signs for high-tech speed cameras (yet, we couldn't actually see any of them). anyhow, it's pretty funny that the sign for said high-tech speed camera (left) is that of about the oldest image of a camera you could find (right). who approved this?

ladies, this is not for you

ladies, step away from the tissues. you cannot handle these. they are MANSIZE tissues, for MANFLU and MANCOLDS only. 

make mine a double

came across this service today - a spin on the charitable 'meals on wheels' - that would be 'drinks on wheels: after hours alcohol delivery'. this appears to be a dude with a bike who you ring up, request a bev and then wait for him to bike over. i can't tell if this is genius or crap.

Got nothin'

So I am reading this book about account planning. You know thinking about the future and stuff. The book comes to the section about what characteristics make a good planner and aside from the basics strategic stuff they stress that being a bit weird and having bizarre hobbies/interests is very important. It got me thinking. I am not sure that I am interesting enough to be a planner. My weirdness extends to an unnatural obsession with star trek and my most bizarre hobby is yoga. I mean not really the stuff skeleton closets are made of.

So in short, got nothin. I suddenly realised I need plan to become more interesting. I need to get me some weird but cool and interesting mojo. Ideas? Now look out the window....Ideas? Now scratch your head....Ideas?

No seriously. Ideas? Thumb-wrestling champion of Australia? Lecturer at a top Australian University where I specialised in interpretive dance?

an imaginary conversation at sunrise

hall: gee, oates, now that it's the 80s what are we going to do about our smooth 70s sound? all the kids are digging electro-pop these days. 

oates: i don't know, hall. maybe we spice it up a bit - i've been working on a song called 'maneater'. more importantly, hall - what about our look? do you think is should shave my 'stache?

welcome to wasteland

i was reading an article in the paper the other day about how scotland is undertaking a new tourist campaign to be seen at the airports when you arrive. the fee for the project was apparently £125,000 ($250,000) for which they included a new slogan. ready for it...drumroll please...the new slogan is: welcome to scotland. sounds like money well spent!

coffee & camus

now that i am a lady of leisure, i have been spending a lot of time at coffee shops. at crunchy granola one in my hood, they like to put up a sign everyday that is a bit like an off-line facebook status. it says: today we're feeling..., followed by, well, how they are feeling.

 

today we are feeling existential despair. love it. or do i? maybe i'm indifferent. maybe i feel nothing. 

Festive Coffee

This morning I was a bit hung over, so I went for it. I lost my gingerbread latte virginity. When she asked if I wanted whipped cream, I knew I was being naughty. My toes wiggled.

But the problem with these so-themed festive coffees is that a hint of gingerbread makes you crave the real thing. Now I want the cookie. Screw the coffee.

So instead of enjoying an exceptional latte, in my mind I'm now trying to chug down a piss-poor excuse for a cookie.

That's why you got to stick to the chai when you're feeling festive. You can't eat a chai. The chai latte is infact the ultimate experience of chai. It doesn't get any more tangible. You can't want more.

The lesson: don't drink what you can dunk.

phones as the new boombox

while we are on the subject of public displays, can we talk about how mobile phones with music features have now become the new boombox? who said it's ok to listen to your music on the bus sans headphones (giant or otherwise). 

funny example - on a recent train journey a dude was playing music over his headphones. the exchange with his neighbor was priceless: 'can you turn that shit off? who likes phil collins. IN FACT, NOBODY DOES' needless to say, she won the battle and spared us of 2.5 hours of Sussudio.

Public displays of headphone affection

I am totally obsessed with people who wear massive headphones in public. I just want to walk up to them and go "you look totally ridiculous...what the hell were you thinking.....does sound quality really get better the bigger your headphones are?" Total muppets.

One time at band camp.....this guy in front of me on a flight recently had a pair of what can only be described as gigantic princess leia ear muffs ...no seriously they needed their own postcode.... but I was mesmorised. I just couldn't believe that (a) people go to the trouble of hauling those things around; and (b) that he was ok to not move his head sideways for 8 hours in order to wear these bloody things.

Why? I just don't get it.

See Dear Douchebag for follow up discussion on the redunc practice of wearing massive headphones in public. P.s. anything named 'Douchebag' has got to be funny and they don't disappoint.

http://deardouchebag.blogspot.com/2006/08/dear-people-who-wear-huge-headphones.html

scarily bad (food edition)

what the hell are these? 

i'm not eating any food that describes itself as 'foul' on the label!

another purveyor of the obvious

so, while waiting for my burger (bur-ga in australian) the other night i had a read of the label of the above mustard bottle. after the ingredients it said: allergy advice - contains mustard. 

now, i know that food allergies are serious and i don't mean to knock them. but...if you are allergic to mustard, word of advice, DON'T EAT MUSTARD - it says it right on the front.

 

scarily bad (fashion edition)

who approved these? i don't know what is scarier: 

the fact that these shoes are patent leather grey mice (complete with pink ears and whiskers) 

OR 

the fact that the price tag is 230 euros! 

ridonks. 

fun shop

love the name of this store in paris - milady. except that they've clearly left out a vital apostrophe - it should be mi'lady, if you ask me. make it old english - as in 'good morn to you, mi'lady. how art thou?'. that'll be sure to attract a couture crowd.

rock the 'Mc'

speaking of Nasty McBitch (see van ramblings below), i love made up 'Mc' names. one of the best i've heard was Snoozy McDozer, in response to a colleague falling asleep at work in a meeting. and of course, Chesty McBreasts, who had (her?) own mail slot in the work post room. not quite sure who that was being delivered to, but it amused me nonetheless! 

overheard (nightclub edition)

here is a convo i overheard in the ladies at my leaving do (going away bash):

drunk girl 1: do you think i should puke?

advice from drunk girl 2: i think only if you are convinced that it is the right thing to do.  

 

kinda gross, i know, but it's really the response that gets me. i think that is an appropriate answer for another question. like, 'should i quit my job?' or 'should i vote for so and so?', not the question asked!

TED's are running the world.....

While I am on the subject of people in the profession of 'service' I would like to introduce the concept of Ted's. Ted's are people who in their jobs have been given a small amount of responsibility and have decided that this is how they are going to realise their life long dream of being a force to be reckoned with.

Generally these people have been given the responsibility of managing a queue and their name is usually Ted. (Hence the name Ted's).

So Bouncers obviously but pretty much anyone working at the airport fits this description. Particularly those fools in charge of ensuring that everyone has a freakin plastic bag. Or the guy in charge of badly managing the queues to check in. (This is where Pandora and I found the Ted of all Ted's). Definitely anyone who has a clipboard. You just know they are going to be a total Ted.

I am sure they are plenty more Ted's out there I just need to keep my eye out.

Things shop assistants shouldn't say....

Top on that list is talking about how ugly their merchandise is in front of customers. Or to be more specific saying how ugly a particular stack of notebooks were just as you decide to pick one up and purchase it. Clearly they don't know great stationery when they see it.

a fish on the loose (or is that lose?)

end of an era? i don't know.

but what i can says is this, the final post from my desk: and...scene

End of an era?

A fish is about to start to change seas today, so I just wanted to make a little tribute to her and the school that swam around her for a while, in that area so close to Chitty Street (ignoring for a second our millions of unique users, if they forgive us). Even if some of these were only heard through the tin can telephone wire.... from across town now.

HERE'S TO THE CRAZY ONES:

- Who defy all tube etiquette by delivering three full throttle kicks and a side of verbal threats to their fellow tube passengers

- Who create handbags around feminine care products on their Sunday afternoons to demonstrate the possibilities of brand experience

- Who stake out their space on day 1 within the first hour of their arrival by pinning up revealing personal photos and drawings

- Who allege to keep a Superman suit in their closet in case of wardrobe malfunction

- Who will travel to the far ends of Armenia by horse drawn cart for the sake of increasing their learning curve

- Who specialised below the waist for far too many years and are unafraid of words like panty crotch pronounced awkwardly by middle-aged German men

- Who spell zebra with an X

- Who can pull off Cruella Deville with a french effortless that leaves all fancy dress contestants in the dust...even if she never got the alleged prize

- Who reach their breaking point over mayonnaise covered hands and a homeless man asking for another burger please

- Who boldy go where no woman has gone since the 1970s with green eyeshadow
- Who tell you what they like to do is....
- Who eat digestives in a cup of milk for breakfast everyday but stay skinny minny
- Who stalk celebrities during their now infamous coffee breaks
- Who make the mis-guided decision to trim their own fringe the day before the work photo
- Who self-publish their own glowing appraisal to build the team
- Who tell the client they're "fucked up" to a crowd of silent cheers
- Who have another one
- Who delete another one
- Who travel to foreign countries to see syndicated asian export performed live on stage
- Who can't understand each other half the time and spell lose as loose as a matter of course
- Who take being the victim of a hit & run sneeze release with a thank you
- Who hop instead of dance, who ramble instead of talk, who impart not advice, but genious wisdom, who can't follow a map to save their bloody lives
- Who know Geneva like the back of their aching hand

- And who always, always, always know to keep the candy dish full

i'm too sexy for this blog

apparently matt damon has been named people's sexiest man alive. here are a few action shots we took of matt at the london premiere of the bourne supremacy. you decide.

savoury gift (sleek, yet meaty)

my mom alerted me to this yummy item from the archie mcphee catalogue: the bacon wallet. fantastically described as: Put some hip into your hip pocket with a whimsical Bacon Wallet! Great for bringing home the bacon (sorry). Sleek, yet meaty.

'tis the season...to be p.c.

overheard (underground edition)

'this can't go on. if the mice continue i cannot live there. and it's not fair to my father who is paying all of my bills.'

overheard (radio edition)

'just what london needs...to attract more people dressed like statues'.

old is new

so, if 60 is the new 40 (per headline above) that makes me 11 in tabloid math years, growing old gracefully.

(more) scarily bad TV

last night i saw a promo for a ne BBC reality show called 'can fat teens hunt?'

the premise is ridonks: 'ten dangerously overweight teenagers embark on a journey that could save their health...turn their backs on potentially fatal eating habits...become hunter-gatherers'

ask me how thrilled i am that my taxes are paying for this. double ridonks.

Great Xmas Gift Ideas

I was flicking through a collection of Xmas gifts that were available in the 60s and I came across the fabulous 'Poppit Belt'. Basically it is a belt that you can apparently turn into 500,000 different things. Possibly over-claiming there. But what I love are the things they chose to highlight. Like wrapping it around your foot roman-style...yes that looks comfortable and practical. Walking about town with a really long necklace .....tripping not included. A crazy midrift belt for those that were fans of the boob tube. A hair tie which invades your head. Or my favourite a cat necklace / restraint. Nice one.

Is that the technical term?

So it's no secret that I LOVE America's Next Top Model - or ANTM for those in the know. Last night Tyra was going the smack down on some wanna-be's about their pictures. Her main criticism is that they "didn't look model-ly enough." Model-ly? Is that really the technical term for you are pretty but the camera doesn't love you?

Anyhow, for all of Tyra's tirades about "Top Model gotta be able to speak" (read with ghetto accent), I think she needs to turn the spotlight back on herself. And while she is under that spotlight she needs to fire whoever advised her that her Disco Diva theme for cycle 8 was a good idea. (Picture does not do justice to some of the hideous outfits from this cycle).

Please note, Tyra if you are reading this, we only say these harsh things to help you in your struggle to take over from Oprah. You go girl.

still feeling the love

we love and are proud of sweet pleats! why?

b/c it's funny

b/c despite poor brand recall (sneaky pleats? sweet peas? sweet treats?), it's gaining readers

b/c we also love jazz hands

b/c a sweet pleat of the day blogged back - that is indeed sweet pleats!

this also means that we are slightly jealous of sweet pleats (blog envy?), but makes us want to be even better bloggers.

gangsta's latte?

this morning, coolio was in our starbucks. what do you think coolio orders? i think triple espresso - that sounds like the gangsta's paradise of caffeine to me.

fishoscope

today, my horoscope is just perfect and exactly what i needed:

PISCES (Feb 20-Mar 20)
Why look backwards instead of forwards? Look to the future. You can't change the past, sadly not even the bad bits, however much you'd like to. You are, however, in control of the rest of your life.

amen.

three cheers for 'cheer time' - hip hip horay...!

i had a very good morning. apparently, it's 'cheer time' at our starbucks. and in honor of 'cheer time' they are giving away free beverages to lucky patrons. as i approached the counter, the timer clipped to the barista's apron started beeping... meaning my misto was on the house. sweet pleats!

(he tried to convince me to get a venti because it was better value for free, but you know how we feel about getting a pint of milk in the morning).

dressed for the future

today, van ramblings (a not-so-closet trekkie) found a new use for her headphones. in the process she demonstrated how it is possible that she may have been separated at birth from Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge.

5 stars? i think not

so, here at two fish and a flame, we love funny signs. however, we came across a not so funny one in a recent stay in a very expensive - and famous - hotel. above is a snap of the sign. below is it's wording. the last bullet is the kicker, if you ask us. i'm glad they've added 'please,' but eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!

BEWARE OF INSECTS

When the weather is hot and damp, please:

- Keep the windows closed when the light is on.

- Use the provided insecticide spray against the insects.

- Please, on no account crush them on the walls. The stains cannot be removed.

dress for success

our faithful readers out in cyberspace should be aware that, today, our own van ramblings looks like the top 'lecturer at a top australian university' she once was. see mock-up left c/o lands end. we are LOVING the turtleneck + blazer combo.

Why are we so angry?

One of my passions is to open up the Advertising Trade Mag Campaign and review people's headshots.

My summation after having done this for sometime is that everyone in Advertising is either really serious, disinterested or just plain angry. Why is this the case? When did smiling become so offensive. Apparently you can only be taken seriously if you look a bit pissed off.

But recently I have noticed that the ante has been upped. People are no longer satisfied with just looking angry and disinterested was so five years ago. Now scary is the new black.

Case in point, these two guys. They have pushed past angry and channelled a level of scary that makes me never want to be in the same room as these guys. I'd like my Advertising without a side of maniac, thanks.

I want to campaign to bring back the 'smile' in Advertising. Nothing says 'I will sell my Grandma to get your business' like a nice smile.

objects of historical significance?

i'm all for commemoration - things like 'establised 1932,' or 'purveyors of fine teas since 1706'. but, this is a bit strange - a litter bin from the 80s? maybe rick astley once threw away a half eaten sandwich there once?

um, that's cheating

so, apparently christina aguilera has confirmed she is preggers (duh). but, filed under 'thing that make you go hmmm...' is the following statement:

When asked about her New Year's resolutions for 2008, Aguilera says, "That'll be about the time I enter into mommyhood, so... I'm hoping to have started a beautiful family with my husband!"

i don't think you can say that your new years resolution is to start a family - when you are already pregnant.

that's not really a resolution is it? or if it is, you've already accomplished it - what's the point?

mini-mistos

not only are the red cups back, but how cute are these starbucks christmas ornaments?!

when was this a good idea?

i realize that before anti-smoking laws you could smoke in many places - especially in europe. but when was it ever a good idea to smoke in toilet stalls? and how frequent an occurrence was this that stalls were outfitted with ashtrays? bizarro.

on the 452

i love the bus. on weekday mornings it's a sea of resentment and anger. but, on the weekends, it's like a moving theatre. today's performances included:

> a yummy mummy asking her 8 year old's advice if they should move to new york near central park. or maybe long island.
> a couple seemingly on the outs - he was bubbly, singing, reading signs - overall, talkative. meanwhile his partner had his nose in a book ignoring everything. shame.
> a gentleman in a tophat & tails with an alligator purse (as in the flap of the back still had an alligators head & arms).
> american tourists from seattle asking, 'ooh, is that harrods? does everybody shop there? it's kinda like nordstrom, right?' and 'do they get earthquakes here?'

good times, good times.

hopes bruléed

i had high hopes for the new crème brulée latte at starbucks. i have a weakness for the dessert, particularly that of the room service variety (see photo above of the wilson's). however, my hopes were dashed this afternoon. it tasted, well, medicinal, almost chemical. what a bummer brulée.

scarily bad (album cover edition)

oh, kylie.

remember when you thought a hat made of your own hair was a good idea?

just to confirm, you are wearing only a brim there, correct?

scarily bad (TV edition)

i realize that with 'fragmentation' and more and more TV channels to chose from we need to fill up the space with more and more programs, which potentially leads to 'quantitiy vs. quality'.

that said, is there really an excuse for a reality TV show called 'the spa of embarrassing illnesses' that appears in my program guide every night? ew. who approved this?!

Das ist seltsam #2

it really amuses me when blogger thinks i'm german, which it did again tonight. what was even more amusing, however, was seeing the german word for login/username - nutzername - love it! i just my change my handle to that from bizarro gnome...

who approved this?

or, am i now that old that day-glo yellow/green LEGWARMERS are being sold again in stores? who thought it was a good idea to bring these back? i can't wait until MC Hammer's parachute pants make a return.

spooky veggies

what are two piscean halloween tricksters to do when all of london (well, the 5 stores we checked anyway) is out of pumpkins? why, carve squash of course!

yum (or, more bizarro menu items)

and oldie, but a goodie. ladies & gentlemen, i give you the awesomely name 'funky pie'!

trick or treat?!

brought to you by the most terrifying window display i've seen as of late. happy halloween!