yum (or, more bizarro menu items)

and oldie, but a goodie. ladies & gentlemen, i give you the awesomely name 'funky pie'!

trick or treat?!

brought to you by the most terrifying window display i've seen as of late. happy halloween!

oh happy day!

yesterday, i saw a ray of hope. despite me complaining earlier about the appearance of christmas in retail, i take it all back in anticipation of a tall gingerbread latte. yum!

too many heirs?

turns out one of my hobbies is critiquing other people's wedding announcements. and personal ads. and missed connections. (clearly, i have too much time on my hands).

anyhow, i recently came across the wedding of susie sunshine and john doe IV (names have been changed to protect the innocent). which got me thinking...at what point is re-naming your successor become too much? at which number does carrying the family name become excessive? john doe V? john doe X?

I'm done with the following words.

consumers.
experiential.
strategic.
insight.
idea.
communication anything.
holistic anything.

Yep done. I want to make a counter-counter business language.

Like instead of search and reapply you say "I rode it like I stole it".
Instead of consumers you say "my peeps".
Instead of strategic you say "WICKED" (insert jazz hands).
Instead of prioritise you say "that's how we rolled".

This just sounds like a much fun-er (yes it's a word) place to exist.

got nothin'

it's been 41 days since we started posting and, given my short attention span, i am amazed that we lasted this long. but, as of late, i'm feeling a little dry in the pity category. blogged out? say it ain't so...

are we that bad?

americans get a bad rap. and i know a lot of times this is deserved. but, are we really, really this bad? so bad that a british airways survey recently had me select my language from the above...

stupid criminals (or, d'oh!)

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

Not surprisingly, the defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

i blame the internet and remote controls

building upon my earlier post about ABS (abandoned books syndrome), further proof that i have no attention span and no patience anymore:

i just had to fax something (this was, of course, after saying to my mother, why do you have a fax machine? nobody faxes anymore) and i was convinced it was not working at all and that i had done it incorrectly because it taking was clearly too much time. i looked at the confirmation report and it took 1 minute, 42 seconds. it felt, however, like an eternity.

ps - i am happy to report that admitting i had ABS was indeed a first step. i have since been able to complete two books, and i am midway through a third which i hope not to abandon.

time flies (or, when did i get so old that it's already october?)

i have barely accepted that it is fall. i have barely accepted that it is midway through october. so, imagine my horror (well, not really horror), my dismay at the arrival of christmas in store. i know, i know it's earlier every year in the world of retail. but i haven't even moved to fall seasonal fruit yet (e.g., apples) - let alone mince pies.

purveyors of the obvious & stuffed crusts

i'm sure this is a fake photo, but it cracked me up!

drinks simplified (kinda)

following up on pandora's brill comment on hot air balloon vs. wicker basket, i stumbled upon (www.stumbleupon.com, try it) a (what else) site about starbucks and found this great line:

There's a fine line between a very wet cappuccino and an extra-foam latte.

when two favorites collide

one of our favorite sayings is 'note to self...' (see others below under 'amusing ourselves') and one of my favorite past times is crafternoons. the two collided recently when i came across this, care of wtfzup.com.

OK, one more...

skymall just keeps getting better! how about the prism glasses - sorry, the deluxe prism glasses:

We've found the perfect solution for those who like to read in bed or watch TV while lying flat on your back. The unique Swift Bedspecs prism glasses fits comfortably over existing prescription glasses, enabling you to enjoy reading or watching TV without getting a neck cramp or eyestrain.

I'm all for innovative solutions to problems, but honestly - is this a problem?? if it was, wouldn't we all just hang our TVs on the ceiling?

got another one!

as i said, skymall is just full of crap gifts. here is another one - the 'penguin teaboy'. huh? wtf? i want to meet skymall's copywriter. s/he is genius. i'm almost tempted to purchase the penguin teaboy for the low, low price of $29.95 plus shipping and handling. who could pass this up:

'Tea too strong? Too weak? Problem solved. Our nattily attired tea penguin always brews the perfect cup. Set the timer for your ideal brew time (from 1 minute up to 20) and he lowers the teabag into the water. When the time is up, he lifts it out. Couldn't be simpler or more fun.'

Firstly, is this really a problem? How hard is it to make a cuppa? Tea too strong? Yeah, it's probably because you are BREWING IT FOR 20 MINUTES, dumb ass!

more crap gifts

inspired by van ramblings' post below, i'd like to share one of my favorite crap gifts of all time, care of 'skymall'. anyone who has flown a domestic flight in the US knows the delight of skymall. endless pages of crap gifts to tempt you in the skys.

anyway, my favorite one of all time is the 'pop-up hot dog cooker', described as: 'Operating much like a pop-up toaster, this unique kitchen appliance lets you easily prepare two hot dogs (complete with toasted buns) in minutes. To use, simply drop two wieners in the center basket and the buns in the two toasting baskets on either side.'

heehee - they said 'wieners'. but i digress - seriously, how many hot dogs do you have to consume for this item to be value for money? 2 meals per week? per day?

Complete Pieces of Crap

No Bizarro Gnome it's not an ode to the great CPC but in fact a magazine entitled 'Presents for Men'.

I was particularly intrigued by an item selling itself as a 'Rope Knot Door Stop'. This product, to quote the magazine, "is a stylish giant Rope Knot Door Stop to keep your doors open. Heavy and practical it will look at home in a modern or traditional home."

Ok to me this look like a cat toy gone wrong but whatever. Firstly, since when was rope "stylish" and secondly what makes a door stop predominantly appealing to a man. I guess it is manly in shape but still seems like a pretty crap gift to me. I figured they were scraping the barrel when they made this up...BUT then I discovered the BANANA GUARD.

This made me laugh. Are they serious. Ok yes bananas have the tendency to go yucky when transporting them around in one's bag but again is this naturally a present 'just for men'? Clearly men hate it when their banana is damaged or droopy :-) enter the BANANA GUARD.

And lastly I love to read on the toilet just as much as the next person but this is really upping the stakes. Mini golf anyone?

Is this what men are really interested in?

seventy-six trombones led the big parade...

there is nothing like a brass band playing outside your window (albeit, 4 floors up) to put a smile on your face on a monday morning.

yum!

i really enjoy funny menu items. one of the classics was 'fish balls' (pronounced very new yorker-ish like bawls) we encountered on the menu in a chinese restaurant in amsterdam. this gave us hours of laughs (or was it something else?) and still does today when we relive old memories.

anyway, i came across another one friday night from my pizza takeaway. the first strange thing is that on the back of the menu they have an entire mexican section - just wrong. please don't specialize in pizza AND mexican. please focus your energy on one area, thanks.

but the second odd thing was the third menu item as snapped by my camera phone (sorry, crap picture) is 'chicken tulips'. huh? what the hell are chicken tulips and who is ordering them??

Turn over a new leaf - and write on it

This morning, while running in the park (it does happen sometimes - like lunar eclipses & finding a decent bathroom at Starbucks - these things happen sometimes), I found myself unavoidably shuffling through piles upon piles of leaves.

That's a lie - I blatantly avoided the clean sidewalk and ran straight for them, listening to the crunch and letting the midwest nostalgia take me far away from the task at hand.

And I thought to myself, in this day and age of environmental despair, and tree slaughtering - surely, surely there must be a way to make paper out of all these leaves. A whole lot of community collections, a bit of conditioning and flattening and smoothing, and it must be possible. What a brilliant renewable resource of paper - and a reason to keep the tree, not kill it.

People must do this. I had a kind-of-friend that went to university to be a paper engineer. Surely she must do this.

Anyway, these kids think it's fresh.

Nancy No Mates

It's official. I've topped out at 46 friends. Every time I check facebook I have this moment of anticipation to see if any new people have asked me to join their facebook friends' group. This moment of course is shortly followed by the moment of disappointment as it has been some months now since I have had a request. Granted I haven't been out there working the tenuous links I had with people some 10-15 years ago but still I wait in hope that other people are.

Before I was really happy with my 46 friends now they just serve to remind me that I am unpopular. Oh 46 why so cruel?

anonymous, please

so, i've noticed a new trend in stores as of late - using your name during the transactions.

the last few times i've orders something from a starbucks or a smoothie place i've needed to give my name. as if i cannot remember that - fifteen seconds ago - i ordered a triple-shot grande skinny vanilla latte. (note: the oracle says that this means i'm an 'ass-clown'). what are the odds of someone ordering that same combo as well? and right before me so that i take theirs by accident? i've also had the gap thank me by name after looking at, then returning, my credit card.

i suppose it's an attempt to provided a more personal customer service experience, but i hate it. i want to have a boost caffeine, thanks - not to start a new friendship with you.

say it ain't so

our faithful (2-3) readers know how much we love starbucks (apart, of course, from the outrageous venti). so, i was very disappointed to see this headline on the seattle newspaper the other day. get it together, yo!

Niche Marketing

No - this is the best thing I've seen or heard recently. A man who focuses on appreciating the aesthetics and ergonomics of the taco. Simply brilliant. I've selected masterpiece "Taco #19" for your viewing pleasure, as well as the killer strategy.

To indulge yourself in some fine taco art - go here: http://henderob.com/

One fan reports: "This made me smile, and feel a little guilty" -Theta

Blog Sneeze

Ok - this thingamajiggy has been created, read, use as a recommending device, and now commented on by another blog. The three authoresses were referred to - and we all know that presently there are two (a fish and a flame) and a flailing fin. Something floating belly up.

Van has her rambles, and gnome has her bizarres....but what about the box? is there anything in it at all? smoke & mirrors? maybe it's too dangerous to open....maybe that's why she's quiet. maybe she's cold in the gills. maybe she needs a drink - but not a venti.

So it's catch up for me now. Yet other things I've missed the first wave on include Prozac Nation, Harry Potter (you can't walk around reading the first of the series now), and the Sopranos. And Cherry Coke - hard as I tried, I never caught that wave.

So I'm going to resolve to contribute. And I'll start by telling you the best thing I've heard lately. It goes like this.

"I tell you what, one minute you're flying in a hot air balloon. The next minute you're flying in a wicker basket."

Metaphor for life? Consider....

Now I have to go look at the Williams-Sonoma pumpkin carving drill kit my Canadian colleague wants to show me. As we bitch about why this country has no understanding of the candy apple.

feelin' the love

i'm going to write this post as if we have an audience of thousands (when in reality, from what i can tell, it's an audience of 5 - three of whom are, in fact, ourselves).

we were recently given a lovely shout out by one of our 5 readers, so we'd like to return the favor by recommending hers as well - if only to view a blog going through a mid-life crisis and a crazy high-kicking avatar that is a pretty close likeliness to its human counterpart. check it out at: lastinlondon

we'd also like to pay it foward by giving a warm 'welcome to the blogosphere' to sweetpleats by frequent commentor whatevs.

you feelin' the love?

The Venti

All I am going to say is why? Anybody who orders a Venti and doesn't get at least an extra shot of coffee is a complete muppet. Even more so if the barista tries to save yo' ass and encourages you to get an extra shot and you say no. You are literally drinking a cup of hot milk. It has ceased being coffee people. Plus according to the Breast Cancer Fund about half of the milk Starbucks uses is from cows injected with growth hormones. So not only are you a muppet you are probably going to die faster.

P.s. What the hell is Starbucks doing. I would like my coffee without cancer thanks.

eavesdropping

i love overhearing random snipppets of conversation. (see Overheard Underground link below). for example, i just passed two colleagues having a convo in the hallway and one said to the other, 'well, i really like to keep it fresh.' i'm not sure what 'it' is, but i think that's a great line (and, he said it with total seriousness, too).

i always thought it would be a great idea to turn overheard lines into a book or a movie somehow (tho, probably a bit too complicated). however, i think my new challege is going to be to work the overheard line into a conversation i'm having later in the day. now, i just need to find the right context for keepin' it fresh...

headline of the day

this afternoon, i decided not to work too hard and to catch up on my trade magazine reading. the headline the day has to go a story about 'repostioning'. specifically, 'cheese tries to overturn image'. who knew cheese glorious cheese had a bad rap?

reading between the lines

i love business writing. there is always a hidden, underlying meaning. for example, i read today on a status sheet 'agency proposed xxxxx project' and the status was 'client agreed in principle'. while this looks favorable, that is, 'agreed,' this clearly means that the client only said 'maybe' so as not to bruise any egos, to pretend they care, etc. and this project will sure as hell not happen!

Admirable but coco loco

In the line at Starbucks this afternoon, Bizarro Gnome in a response to a Van Rambling said, "that is admirable but coco loco". It got us thinking, what else is admirable but coco loco? e.g. Like not ever going on a holiday, anywhere, ever, to save the environment. Admirable but coco loco.

where is? o­ù est? dov'è?

i get stopped for directions all the time. and where ever i go. my record is 8 times in one day, here in london.

this weekend in paris, i was nearly stopped 4 times. i say nearly as twice i was legitimately stopped - once for the opera (oui, it's that way) and once for the right train (oui, it's that one to chelles). as for the other two, one was from a guy hanging out of a car (i don't respond to calls from a car that pulls up along side you, for obvious reasons - he later asked the dustman ahead), the other from someone who poked me. i don't respond to poking either.

so, my question is...why do i get stopped for directions all the time? even in countries where i don't speak the language? is it because my looks are so generic i could pass for british or french or swedish? (ok, that one is a stretch, but i have been stopped in stockholm for directions). or, is it, as i like to think, that i walk with purposeful determination, like i know where i am going, and therefore have an air of knowledge about me?

oh, mugatu

so, hypothetically...if you are in milan and it's fashion week. and you are walking down the street in casual clothes surrounded by models in haute couture. and then a bird poops on you, is that a sign of good luck? or is it that you are just modeling for mugatu's derelicte collection?

"Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique."