She-men?

Following on from the work toilet theme I just overheard a girl in the toilet say that her biggest regret was pulling a man that turned out to be a woman. Where the hell am I working??? Who knew the work toilets were such a source of entertainment - doodling, gossip, mishaps....will the fun never end?

I'm taking crazy pills again

Mainly because this picture just makes me laugh and therefore should be on our blog but also because it continues to capture my mood everytime I am asked to repeat the same theoretical task over and over again. I was recently asked to provide my "in-depth" perspective on the same thing I was asked last week, last month, last year.....in fact ever since the dawning of time.

I am seriously in the land of crazy. But who is more crazy, the person who asks the same question over and over or the person who keeps giving the same answer over and over? What?

I don't know but maybe I should have followed the first lesson I was taught in advertising. I was told that when walking in the office corridor, whether going to the toilet, the fax machine (yes clearly this was sometime ago) or simply to get coffee, always carry a piece of paper in your hand and walk fast like your life depended on it. That way people will always think your busy even when your not and will never try and dump more work on you as a result.

Good advice, should have blown past him in the corridor with a piece of paper flapping in my wake. Nuts.

excuse me, sir

i have a 'polite voice'. this is different than my everyday voice. i've always had it, but i've just been noticing it more and more lately.

whenever i am asking for something from strangers in customer service my voice goes softer and lighter (as in, up an octave) - dare i say 'girlish'. this often occurs at starbucks or when getting lunch. but it's most noticeable with cab drivers ('hello. i'm going to...') and airline personnel ('would it be at all possible to...').

van ramblings described this the other day as 'turning on [my] american charm' when we asked somebody to swap seats. are americans charming? nah, that's just my 'polite voice' kicking in.

Das ist seltsam.

first facebook thinks i'm fat. now blogger thinks i'm german.

joy riding

OK, who borrowed the tube trains and forgot where they parked them? paris? moscow? new york? please return them ASAP.

Work Experiments.

For some time now bizarro gnome and myself have been conducting a social experiment at work. We are testing how many times you can say 'no' to things before your boss either makes you do it or fires you. Turns out neither happens!

We are trying to reverse engineer the propaganda that many 30-somethings were taught by osmosis that you always, no matter what it is, deliver on what your boss asks you to do. You know, climb that corporate ladder, last car in the carpark and all that. Incidentally the participation in this experiment has been statistically correlated to high levels of disillusionment at work...who would have thought ;-)

Basically whenever you are confronted by someone of authority trying to palm work off onto to you that you are just not interested in doing you simply push back with 'no I am not doing that'. Then you allow a long silent pause to pass and offer no further solution...although we have found that a shoulder shrug works quite nicely here for emphasis. Then you simply sit and wait for their response.

Initially when we conducted this experiment we thought that our bosses would come back with something like "it's your job, I pay you so you will do it." Which because we are so pathetic and slaves to the corporation we would have groaned but done it. But apparently just saying "no" and offering no other solution renders a state of confusion to which they say "ok" and make it someone else's problem.

So far this strategy has been effective for the past 6 months. This is not to say that we haven't been busy but that we have been in more control of the crap work we take on, on top of the crap work we are already doing. So effectively the mean score of crap work stays the same but the percentage completed is reduced.

I am not advocating this strategy for those who wish for rapid career advancement. However, if you feel you aren't looking to impress anyone, try it, you will be surprised how well it works.

self-esteem issues

i only recently noticed that there's advertising on my facebook page. (not a very astute media geek, clearly). but now that i have noticed, i have to ask - why is facebook serving me ads for weight watchers? does facebook think i'm fat?

genius wisdom (one of many)

'if you make interacting with me rather difficult, no one's coming back'
(translation: 'if I make interacting with you rather difficult, you ain't coming back')

Emergencies in Croatia

Shit photo sorry, but I draw your attention to point 1 of the Croatian Ferry instructions in case of an emergency. "Dress warmly and DON'T FORGET drugs if you use them." Um, if I have time while the ship is sinking I'll quickly rifle through my belongings to ensure I dress warmly and I WON'T forget to bring my drugs because having a good time in the life raft will be my top priority. Why the hell is DON'T FORGET in capital letters?

abandoned book syndrome

i was discussing this over margaritas on friday, but have now given myself an official diagnosis.

i have a problem. i start books, then drop them. i pick up something else with jazzier bells & whistles. and start the new one. and then drop that one. i used to be a reader - i wouldn't say a prolific reader, but i'd go through phases - sometimes fiction, sometimes non-fiction. but i would read and - generally - finish my book before looking for another one. but not anymore.

i have abandonded book syndrome. hell, let's give it a 3 letter acronym (ABS).

i didn't realize how bad my problem was until last night. i counted. i found 5 books in my bedroom that i had abandoned. that was the bedroom. the living room was even worse. 9 abandoned books. that's 14 abandoned books. by next week, i'm sure you can add the 2 books i am currently 'actively' reading, bringing the total to 16.

and all are at different stages of defeat. i the lower end, i managed only 5 pages of 'buddhism: plain and simple'. in the mid-range, we have 'neurolinguisitc programming' at page 66 and the biography of the pineapple ('king of fruits') at page 75. my worst case is page 205 - that can be a complete book in itself - is 'sho-gun'. 205 pages of commitment and i dropped it like a hot wok.

is it only me who has such a short attention span? does anyone else do this? are you as bad as me? why? is it a function of todays' busy life? or, the internet - instant gratification in short bursts?

they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. i have ABS. wish me luck.

damn you, procrastination!

well, this is what you get...this is what you get... (sung in the style of karma police).

i should have finished up the project last week. but instead i spent two days sending outrageous e-cards to people. now, here i am, trying to not procrastinate (clearly, not working out so well). and cursing myself for waiting so long to finish - i cannot read my handwriting of the changes i need to make. oops. it's my own damn fault. no one to blame but myself (and blogger, and facebook, and yahoo...)

the making of men

while on holiday, van ramblings and i contemplated the making of men.

why is it that english & french men are so often slight while american & australian men are of a hardier kind. every american or australian woman who steps off the boat on these shores asks the same question (though they may welcome the reduced levels of testosterone demonstrata).

we've always assumed it was cross-breeding. unlike the english, who draw from the same pool, us american and australian mongrels have managed to create a more robust human cocktail.

but now...we took a look at the men in croatia. big, hardy, lumbering men. and i'm thinking the sun factor matters. like with a plant. more sun, more grow. in the u.s., it's still sunny even when it snows. (that applies in metaphorical sense too). and what did van rambles say...babies should be put out in the sun.

so shower your baby in the sun and measure the difference. solar power - it's not just for heating homes.

crazy for swayze

i guess a few peeps around here are going to see 'dirty dancing: the musical' (who approved that?) tonight as the soundtrack has been blaring on the floor every so often. while it could be considered annoying, i) there is finally some damn noise around here - it's way too quiet on this floor; and ii) i suppose i was in the same situation years ago when we became obsessed with peter allen (and hugh jackman) and repeatedly did jazz hands to 'rio' and 'bi-coastal'...yeah!

(another) odd thing at work

while we're at it, here's an oldie but goodie. we've all had a drink out of a carton - you may live alone, it may be the last sip - totally legit in my view. but drinking from the company-supplied milk & OJ at work, from the common fridge? and putting it back in plain view?

there is a website dedicated to these - good for a laugh: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

on a more postive tone, i didn't get a snap fast enough, but the sign on the fridge on our new floor read, 'let's not fight over the fridge, let's hug it out'.

odd things at work

now, i'm a copious doodler - even outrageously so. but i have never had the need to doodle on the spare toilet paper rolls while going to the loo. who did that?

alternate careers

i came across a book a while back in the humour section called 'crap jobs' - it was part of a series, i think, which included 'crap holidays' and 'crap towns'.

i was at the airport yesterday and would add to their list the newest jobs in aviation - liquids patrol: 'any liquids or creams? any pastes or gels? any liquids, creams, pastes or gels?' ad nauseum, while issuing regulation sized plastic bags. you would also have to answer questions like, 'i have aftershave - does aftershave count?' without rolling your eyes.

in sync, part deux

oh, ipod - you are good. he's just switched me over to 'I Don't Like Mondays'. perfecto.

in sync

i am thinking today about an old ad for the vw beetle (i think) where the audio of the car matchs up to the audio of the outside world - i recall the swish of the wipers, but can't seem to find it on youtub. anyhow, made me think about how, sometimes, my ipod does this.

he plays exactly the right song, with the right lyrics, at the right time. this week, 'once in a lifetime' keeps popping up on shuffle (this one a cover version of the talking heads by Young@Heart, the octogenarian chorus).

And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

As for me...This is not my beautiful job!

And you may ask yourself
Well...How did I get here?

indeed.

posh words of wisdom

c/o Metro's The Green Room: Victoria Beckham says she never looks at blogs on the internet: 'I much prefer a glossy mag. You get nutters writing their own sites.'

yeah, that's about right.

proof that i am easily amused (and easily distracted from work)

a complement to 'no fouling' below - this sign appeared near work not too long ago. makes me giggle every time i pass it. wonder what the company does. i think they're called boiker, inc. - good times, good times.

what's up doc?

we only had two appointments together, but i am going to miss my ophthalmologist. firstly, he will be played by steve martin as vinnie antonelli (thanks to imdb) in my blue heaven - only with a posh british accent. secondly, on top of my diagnosis i got a few excellent crackers:

• so, how long have you been in the UK? [three years.] three years?! you get less for murder.
• where are you from? [new york.] ah, new york...my girlfriend's sister lives in 'jersey' - you gotta fly into newark, am i right? honestly, who flies into jfk - it's a nightmare. am i right?
• [reads my vision] 6/4 (meters)...well, hey, that's about as good as life gets.

your attention please

how's this for a great headline: woman this is for you!!!

this was spotted in the ladies loo in a restaurant in lucca, italy. the dispenser was dishing out out toliet seat covers for our 'special requirements'.

the year of...

over japanese on wednesday (pre-TFSPs), we were discussing how each year - instead of new year's resolutions - we should name that year, along the lines of chinese years (e.g., 2007 being the year of the pig).

so, for example, instead of this year being the year of the pig for me, i'd say it's 'the year of decisions' (in a good way, tho). and as of now, i'm thinking that next year needs to be 'the year of rest' - this dragon is looking forward to her couch.

a classic Van Ramblings

'I love the humility that mediocrity provides'

this is what we do

If I have to read one more time that "print is good for giving detailed information" I am going to scream. It strikes me that all the toys in our shop are those of the obvious kind.

fun sign

i'm totally cool with 'no fouling' as a directive in public gardens. i just love the fact that the sign's illustration features a steaming pile of poo.

Van Ramblings #42

Today at lunch I couldn't help but wonder.....that it was an interesting time to be working with so many different generations in the workplace at the same time. Baby Boomers, Gen X, Gen Y. As I write this now I think that I have ripped this ramble off from somewhere else and probably bored you with it before. Nonetheless, today I caught myself doing the "I don't understand young people today" routine only to catch myself and in fact admire their complete lack of interest in following the unsaid rules of advancement. I think we (30 somethings) have it wrong - hard slog for a parker pen after 50 years - versus instantaneous entitlement now or I'll quit and do something more interesting with my life.

Good times. Good times.

Oh "teal fanning" and "it's all coming together". Poor pandora was the only one who seemed to realise her creative vision. All we need now is a picture of the pottery escapade....and my mystery multi-coloured candle burner! I think we need to let our creative genius out again, soon.

on your mark...get set..go...

ok, in order to get over any anxiety over the first post, let's start with a pic from one of our creative adventures