my new obsession

is ben & jerry's half baked fro-yo. 

step away from the pint. 

universal truth

it's a universal truth that work toilets are gross. 

actually, nasty is a better word. i thought my last office was pretty bad. i think my new office is worse. this week, one stall had a toilet with the following in the bowl: no water, dried poop, and a cockroach. 

eeeewwwwwwwwwww!

bizarro gnome is...

recently, over a fireside chat on a snowy day, we were discussing facebook and trying to coax another one to pass the tipping point. 

although i was quite a skeptic to the whole facebook thing at first, i quite enjoy updating my status. gives me an opportunity to express my feelings in 2 lines or less. it's a little hit of creativity and a play with words in my excel-filled days. 

i thought that status updates were a selling point, but someone commented to the effect of, 'well, i really don't care if Jane Doe is cold.' which makes me question my constant updates. 

perhaps i will stick to barfy magnetic poetry as my creative outlet...  

I'm Kenny G

So it's inevitable any time you meet a stranger. They tell you they're a doctor, or a teacher (lots of those about really) or engaged in some other equally admirable pursuit of human endeavour. And then the moment comes after a session of lovely and lighthearted discourse...."And what is it you guys do?"

You: Pause. Gulp. "Uh. We work in advertising."

Doctor or teacher type: "Oh. Really. Um. That's interesting."

On occasion, conversation fades into an ambiguous silence. In worse case scenarios, it spirals into an enigmatic explanation of what you actually "do" in advertising that without exception leaves all parties confused.

To avoid this anti-climax, we've decided from now on that we're going to give a different kind of answer to prompt a different kind of reaction.

At first we debated alternative ways of "positioning" advertising. Favourites included: propoganda, consumer re-education, demand creation, public manipulator, trends analyst, purveyor of the obvious, and professional liar.

Or then we thought go for shock - "We're in adult entertainment", "I'm a pagan", "I'm soley responsible for the myth of the Loch Ness monster"

Or do we go for grandness (George Costanza marine biologist style) - brain surgeon, famous archeologist, sudanese historian, spiritual guru or "well I just I save a shitload of lives really"

But then we thought, no, take it up a level. So we landed confidently on the answer.

Actually, I'm Kenny G.

teen spirit, take 2

here is another edition of my angst-ridden teenage journal for your enjoyment. this one's from the first day of school, junior year, age 16:

Anyway, my schedule SUCKS. [It] is so tightly packed, it's not even funny. Everything sucks. Heath sucks (except for Mr. R). Physics sucks (I can't understand Mrs. Y). English sucks (we have to keep a journal). All I can say is that nothing went good for me today. Nothing! 

I want blue hair!

I want to go to more concerts! 

will you take a check?

this afternoon i went to the new york armory for The Art Show by the ADAA. 

now, i just started 'collecting' if you can even call it that - i own precisely two prints. so, thought that maybe i could eye a few prints at this show. 

well, way out of my league to say the least, as demonstrated by this conversation I overheard: 

'how much is that piece?' 

'oh, that? that one is $5.8 million' 

sigh. 

coming to a venue near you

last in london shared this with me - a band name generator. we love a good generator here at TFAAF (see links below), so this is a good edition to the genre. you can include your own words, so naturally i went with 'bizarro'. while 'gnome' didn't come up, these ones did:

Bizarro Breast and The Fatty Energy

Bizarro Surface

Bizarro Cow

Bizarro Agent and The Cadillac

Bizarro Colonel

Enslaved Bizarro

Bizarro Identity

Bizarro Panic and The Raid

Bizarro Clone

Limp Bizarro

the last is far too close to a band that currently exists (anyone for a Bizkit?). but, i'm partial to swapping a few up - say, Agent Bizarro or Colonel Bizarro. but, i feel like that is better suited to a fringe solo artist (think Captain Beefheart) vs. a band. 

that said, it could have come up with Bizarro Nickelback. and you know how i feel about them - i could never love a Nickelback fan.

next time, i'll go fedex

ask me how glad I am that 94% of the glass/pottery/plastic items i shipped back were broken. not amused. not so much that they were of value - we're not talking waterford or fine china here. but, i shelled out way to much money to send glass shards across the pond. that's what you get for springing for the 'international economy

the good news is, i got you a ring...

who wouldn't love a $1 ring? 

except maybe somebody being publicly proposed to during half time of an NBA game.

what was he thinking?

not again, facebook

thanks, facebook, for again serving me great ads like this one. 

just wondering...who needs to take an online quiz to figure out if they are fat? if you are taking the quiz - you're not. 

i think i'm taking crazy pills again

i know we've had this headline and visual before, but it bears repeating. last time it was van ramblings, but this time, it's official - bizarro gnome is taking crazy pills again. 

furry fun

i'm always surprised when i see peeps wearing fur these days - and i expect protesters to be following them with red paint in hand. 

however, i'm most surprised when i see men in fur - as i did tonight on my way home. 

takes a lot of mojo to rock that look. 

the giant rat

here is another fun thing i forgot about NYC - but came across today - it's the giant rat. 

i support any union that goes on strike, but particularly those that bust out the giant inflated rat. terrifying, yet effective. 

 

buzzzz

here are a few words i haven't used in a while...and i don't miss them one bit!

holistic

cascading 

synergy

synchronistic 

context

another fun (crap?) gift

in honor of my sister flying home, and anticipation of her enjoying the new skymall catalogue on her flight, here's another fun gift.

do you ever think, 'gee, these two cans of soda sure are heavy'? well, fret no more because there's beverage buggy to the rescue. for the low, low price of $49.95 you too can have remote controlled relief. 

hail to the chief

happy presidents' day and while we're at it, a belated happy groundhog day. 

here's an image from one of the most bizarro ad campaigns featuring both. apparently abe & phil are good mates. 

ticket to ride? actually, no.

this should have been my ticket for tonight, seeing has how i lost my ticket to the concert i was going to. not in my purse. went all the way home. not there. returned to work to check my desk. not there. gave up. file this one under d'oh!

why i feel old, part 2

i've turned into my late grandmother. 

i have recently found myself losing my glasses. 

9 times out of 10 they're on my head.

why i feel old, part 1

yesterday's quote of the day, which was overheard in a conference room:

'wait, you weren't born in the 80s?'

who's in charge here?

unfortunately, it's not oates. 

came across a blog called who's in charge here? that seeks - by popular vote - to analyze bands' publicity photos to ascertain who is, in fact, the leader. squeaking by with one extra vote, it was hall. but, alas, we knew that anyway. didn't we, oates?

the year of rest: update

as you my recall, we had a previous post that talked about how, inspired by chinese new years, we felt that each year we should establish a theme that is 'the year of ___'. 

i decided that in this 2008 year of the rat i'd have 'the year of rest'. i'm pleased to report that i have been thoroughly enjoying becoming one with my couch, my digital video recorder, and - as i discovered tonight - family guy on demand. loving it. 

Bus Etiquette

I am not one to judge, ok that is total bullshit I judge everything, but Asian bus etiquette leaves something to be desired.

Pandora and I recently boarded a bus in Cambodia which was to take around 6 hours. We were 'keepin it real' and Pandora (aka Dora the Explorer) said we needed to take the bus locals would take.

Sounds like a plan. Wrong.

Picture it...Van Ramblings and Pandora, back of the bus, a/c, no windows, it's hot. First 3 hrs are uneventful. Then the bus pulls into a market for us to buy lunch for the remainder of the trip.

Worst move ever.

We buy pineapple and pop and hop back on the bus. Locals buy Durian (smelliest fruit in the world, outlawed in Thailand because of its odor), boiled eggs, fried crickets, fish eggs, brains/offal looking thing and a host of other things I couldn't even identify but the smell was unbelievable.

As if that wasn't enough my 'experience' included one local man's bare/dirty foot resting on my arm rest. If my eyes weren't watering so much from the smell I might have cared.

Oh well. We couldn't stop laughing but definitely managed to get more than we bargained for!

dog show!

last night i went to the westminster kennel club dog show at msg, which was an experience, having never been to anything like that before. what i enjoyed most was the crazy names the dogs have. actually not just crazy, but crazy long and random.  

even tho the adorable beagle won best in show, i think that the finnish spitz had by far the best name of the night: ch pikkinokka badgr sir barksalot. if i ever get a dog one day (which is not likely, but if i do it'll be a hungarian vizsla) i think that the name 'sir barksalot' is definitely in the consideration set.  

magnetic poetry, part deux

here is this week's magnetic poem c/o my fridge. this one, hopefully is less barfy. enjoy:

some universe we awake in

perhaps a translucent sky

would make me embrace time

as if drinking

from a morning cup 

of cool blue caramel coffee

the freeze-frame zoo

last night i went to a gala dinner at the american museum of natural history in nyc. this is the quintessential destination for middle school class trips. i fondly remember being tossed out of the gem room for running around on the diamond-flanked ramps. anyway, while i really, really want to love this museum, i can't help the creepy feeling i get that it's like a weird zoo frozen in time. and where all the animals are stuffed animals behind glass. that said, there was something neat about dancing 'under water' with the blue whale. 

favo(u)rite words

i miss the english english language. all those extra U's (favourite, colour) and consonants (programme, travelling), not to mention a few of my faves:  

- nutter (as in nutcase or nutjob)

- shambolic (in shambles)

- ticketyboo (all set)

- dodgy (shady mc shady)

- skip (dumpster)

- bespoke (custom made)

- satsuma (we'd just call them oranges, even tho they're not)

- arsed (bothered)

- wonky (wobbly)

weather girl

so, if i wasn't doing what i was doing, i probably would have liked to have been a graphic designer. or, my second choice, a meteorologist. this came up in conversation once during a client dinner. from that night on, the client liked to refer to me as her 'media-ologist'. nerdberger kids you not. 

that said, this alternate career interest does not explain the fact that each night i end up having the weather channel on for hours on end. the real reason is that damn 'local on the 8s'. every time :08, :18, :28, etc. rolls around and the local forecast comes on my brain has a habit of tuning out exactly when i should be tuning in. curses. 

teen tunes (hair band edition)

further to my post about my teen journals, i came across a list i kept of concerts i went to during these formative years. very heavy on the metal. actually, not even metal - pop metal, at best. hard rock, if you will. hair bands to be exact. 

my first concert, at the age of 14, was aerosmith (circa love in an elevator). but, i was really there to see the opening act - skid row. sebastian bach in all his power ballad glory. anybody remember 'i remember you'? 

here is a selection of some of the other lineups on the list (a special shout out to my dad who faithfully suffered through most of them):

- faith no more / billy idol

- warrant / poison (twice no less, and within 1 week of each other)

- zz top / the black crowes

- trixter / great white / the scorpions (circa east germany wind of change)

- bullet boys / slaughter / poison (up all night, sleep all day was my mantra for a while there)

- extreme / cinderella / david lee roth

- queensryche / suicidal tendencies (my poor mother has fond memories of suffering through that one)

good times, good times. 

a poet and you don't even know it

so, i got one of those magnetic poetry kits for christmas. or, more accurately, i went a bit 90s retro & gave a magnetic poetry kits for christmas as a secret santa gift in a round robin exchange - and i chose my own gift because i wanted it. is that cheating? i suppose a bit.

  

anyway, i opened it up the other night and stuck it to my new fridge and assembled a poem as a way to avoid sunday night chores. here goes:

you dazzled me when you smiled 

on this brilliant morning

perfumed with champagne breezes

and cakey kisses

if but not for you 

i would perhaps decay

from having no foolish desires 

pure cheese!

who are you? (who, who, who, who)

i am kinda paranoid about identity theft. i shred everything. my shredder is the 2nd best christmas gift i've ever received behind my iPod. well, OK, maybe 3rd behind the iPod and my first Cabbage Patch Kids doll. 

so, i'm very surprised to find peeps leaving their details hanging about. on my last flight I came across his & hers papers left in the seat back pocket. and, while there wasn't enough info for someone to steal their identities, there were some amusing things of note nevertheless:

from john doe, an itinerary & to do list that included:

- loan for 300,000 (must be nice)

- D is concerned. You should contact Mr. S, the chancellor of schools (sounds like someone is in trouble)

- send email to everyone in the company measure response time (i hope they were fast)

- mirrigeliscence (sic) in colorado (contrats)

- ipod for skiing (down the aisle?)

- renew pistol club due (scary)

- chairs kmart (with that loan, i think you can spring for target)

and from jane doe:

- a library overdue notice for two books: our national symbols & presidents and first ladies (smells like a class report) 

- an appointment reminder card for cosmetic surgeons 'specializing in image rejuvenation' (yikes)  

who is leaving this type of stuff around?

food, glorious food

now that i am back in the States i've found that i am eating way too much of certain foods that i couldn't get in the UK. or, that i couldn't get well enough in the UK. the most dangerous being soft, huge chocolate chip cookies. i cannot get enough. shortbread and digestive biscuits got nothin' on them. in fact, just go ahead and call me the cookie monster.

smells like teen spirit, take 1

there seems to be a trend now amongst my generation to relive one's diaries from our teen years. i've seen write ups & features on tv about events where peeps are reading from their diaries or posting them online. as i've recently unpacked mine from storage, thought i would share a few classic ones every now and again. all are pure teen angst. this first one is from 8th grade, age 14, and it's me debriefing on an overnight class trip to an observatory: 

My Impression of the Trip

Overall, the trip was.....sucky!! The "activities" sucked. The people in my group sucked. And everyone in my class sucks. 

tell us how you really feel! too funny. can you stand it? i guess that was a more grown up version of my 'i taste hate' period around the age of 3.  more teen angst to come...

  

do i know you?

further to my comment about new york feeling like a giant movie set, the funny thing about being 'home' is that i also keep feeling like i'm going to bump into people i know at all times. new york is a city of about 8 million peeps. so, in reality, i have about a 0.000125% chance of actually bumping into someone i know - slim to say the least - but i just can't shake this feeling...

Misjudging your Target Audience

Since niche marketiing worked so well, why not keep to business titles. This time it's about tough tuk. Or tough luck, the experience one has once they've entered a tuk tuk in Bangkok.

Van Ramblings and I were "dooped" into jumping into a tuk tuk by a streamlined scam that I'm sure, despite having read all the warnings in the guidebook five times, was designed to trap both new and experienced players.

Diversion A says there is a ceremony today prohibiting you from visiting your target destination. Diversion A recommends alternative destinations within the same family (eg. other temples).

Diversion B pops up in a tuk tuk to take you to somewhere else.

Diversion A acts as though he's instructing Diversion B, despite your foreigner status, to give you a good rate to visit these alternative destinations.

So whilst you think you're going off to see some other temples (albeit B grade), you've actually just been dooped into visiting......let's think two women, stinking hot day in Bangkok, in full stride holiday mode, backpack still attached.....

Of course - a shop that sells nothing but custom made tailored suits. While strolling around to visit the city, why not pop in and get fitted up for your perfect pinstripe?

A lesson in receptivity. Though Ramblings was tempted by the special navy turtleneck cut dickies.

The flame is back with some bizarre obsessions

Whilst inevitably one of us is fighting off the plague (this time pandora), I thought I would update the blog with the bizarre things I have become obsessed with since beginning this journey.

1. Moving the tent (once erected) because I think I have found a better place to put it.
2. Head torches. Apparently no good camper would be caught without one. (um, we didn't have one but managed to steal one, by accident, from a friend who lent us their spare.
3. Checking out other people's gear. Wet weather gear, packs, sleeping bags, shoes. You name it, I am all over it. Mostly I just have 'gear envy' because pandora and I were so poorly prepared. Think Wales, on top of a mountain, wimbledon ponchoes, drenched, caught in a storm.
4. Bowel movements. I won't say too much but believe me when you are camping it is all your talk about with your fellow campers. No topic goes untouched.
5. The US stock market. Mostly just the US dollar and currency markets but I have also been known to bore pandora to sleep with the dolcet tones of bloomberg in the background and me loving every minute but not understanding a thing.

So far these are my strange obsessions. I will update you as more become apparent.